Trigger warning: This story contains foul language, body horror, alien related sexual violence, and of course PROBES!
The chatter from the television echoed through the living room, filling the space with talk of rising crime and protests across the nation. Jim poured himself a glass of bourbon, using his thumb to wipe the flakes of grime from the inside of his chilled glass. Zed, a lean and mean German Shepard, sat at his side, eagerly awaiting his portion of amber liquid.
“One second, boy, you know I need to git my fix before you go drinkin’ it all up.”
Zed barked, earning a chuckle from Jim before he poured a healthy serving into his aluminum water bowl. A stack of past-due notices littered the table, along with pictures of a much younger Jim and a lovely woman dressed in a blue sundress. Jim grabbed the photo, holding it between his fingers as a lone tear fell down his leathery cheeks, wetting his beard.
“Why’d you have to go and leave me, Doris?” Jim said, taking a long swig from his bottle. “Guess farm life wasn’t for you. You wanted more, you selfish bitch.”
The venom in Jim’s voice startled Zed, who let out a whine. The newscaster on the television pressed his hand to an ear and mumbled a series of okays into his earpiece before addressing his viewers.
‘Breaking news, my fellow patriots. The construction of massive data centers has been approved by the federal government. They claim that it will propel us into the future, but I’m skeptical. Just because we can do it doesn’t mean we should. Imagine a world where information can be manipulated at lightning speed, pushing liberal agendas on impressionable minds. They’re already turning our kids gay, what’s next? Are they going to turn us gay, too? I fear for our future, we must resist!’
“Damn, right. You hear that, boy? Pretty soon, these democrat bastards are going to be usin’ this artificial mumbo-jumbo to fuck wit’ our minds. Can’t trust none of these motherfuckers, I swear.”
There was a loud boom outside, rattling the windows of Jim’s abode. The shelf holding his old beer steins fell off the wall, crashing down onto the floor in a symphony of crackling glass. Bright greens glowed in the distance, just past the old shed at the end of his property. Zed began to growl, brandishing his yellowed teeth as he stepped toward the back hall.
“Easy, boy, easy. I’m goin’ to grab my gun, let’s see what all the ruckus is about.”
Jim stood and adjusted his overalls, grunting as he shuffled them over his swollen gut. He let out a fart and waddled toward the shotgun mounted to the wall, grabbing a few loose shells from the top of the side table. The front door creaked open, and the smell of something burning entered the home. The man whistled and stepped out onto the porch with Zed following close behind.
Outside, the air was brisk—a dull breeze whipping the course hairs of Jim’s mustache away from his chapped lips. He let out a burp, the taste of soured bourbon still rich on his tongue. The closer he got to the greenish light, the more his heart began to race. His first thought was that one of those hippie-queers from the city must have crashed a drone machine on his property, probably trying to spy on him. He’d heard about the government using radio waves and sounds to drive the masses crazy. Ten years ago, he didn’t have to worry about such things, but those yuppies continued to flee from the confines of their cement jungles, planting themselves in residential country homes, creating golf courses and other amenities that annoyed Jim. He wished they would all burn and make their way to the hell that awaited them.
They called him a bigot, crazy, and even small-minded, but he wasn’t any crazier than the next guy. At the end of the day, he could never understand why any man would want to fuck another man, or why you’d let your child pretend to be a cat and shit in a box. The world was crazy, not him. Zed let out a loud bark as something shuffled in the distance, casting a shadow along the overgrown brush.
“Stop right there or I swear on all that is holy, I will blow yer’ fuckin’ face clean off, ya’ hear me?”
There was no answer, only the sound of birds squawking and faint polyphonic beeps. The glow grew brighter and brighter, forcing Jim to raise his hand to shield his eyes. He did his best to keep his sight trained at the end of the barrel, sweeping it back and forth for any signs of danger. Zed bolted into the tall grass, growling at whatever was hiding.
“Dammit, Zed, git back hear.”
The dog yelped as a loud hum undulated from the glow’s origin. Vibrant reds flashed, illuminating the night. Jim let off a few wild shots and crouched down into a defense stance, his heart pounding in his temples. A sharp pain rose in his chest, but he swallowed it down and steadied his aim.
“Zed, come on, speak to me, boy. Did these fuckers hurt you?” Jim shouted, praying for an answer from his sole companion. “Zed!”
Jim reached into the pouch of his overalls, feeling around for his small flashlight. In his drunken stupor, he couldn’t remember if he put it back after fiddling with the water heater. His thumb rubbed against something familiar and metallic. Thank Christ. A beam of light moved frantically across the grass, looking for any signs of the missing pup, but there was nothing. Not a soul.
“Listen hear, give me my dog back and I’ll leave ya’ be. You just walk on out of here, no questions.”
The offer was a lie. The minute Jim laid eyes on the trespassing son of a bitch, he was going to pull the trigger. Heavy footsteps came from his right, forcing him to shift his weight. What he saw made his blood run cold. The shotgun fell to the ground, sending up a small plume of dust, while the flashlight remained fixed on a grayish figure standing seven feet tall. Its round head was bulbous with two black eyes, darker than anything Jim had seen. Its mouth was covered in a translucent mask, with a pair of rubber hoses connecting to a pack strapped to its back. Its slender limbs hung loosely by its sides, and in its right hand was a long metal rod with a tapered head, dripping a thick, viscous fluid.
“Oh my G-God. What the hell are you?”
Jim tried to reach for his gun, but something cold and heavy hit him from behind, driving him to the ground. Dirt filled his mouth, making it hard to breathe. He struggled vigorously, wrenching his hips to try and stand, with no success. From his peripheral he could see two more of the creatures, four in total. He tried to scream as they removed his overalls, but his cries were cut short by a jolt of pain from his anus. The thing buried the probe deep inside his rectal cavity, and soon all his fears, his worries, his anger, and his sadness disappeared. There was only one thought. One command that repeated over and over.
Extinction. Extinction. Extinction.
Author’s Note: If you have been following along with SHITWIZARD, then you know how this works. If not, thank you for joining. I initially joined Substack to release short stories and find community, but as we enter the busy season, this space shares a new purpose. BETA READS! I will be releasing a chapter at a time for your entertainment, but also to exploit your brilliant minds for advice, critiques, and opinions. Please feel free to drop suggestions in the comments as we develop this series together before taking it to print! You guys are the best! Don’t worry, I will still be releasing short stories, but as deadlines draw near, it will be more serials for now!
This concept was formed while watching old science fiction movies and reading trashy comics. The general premise is an alien invasion, while addressing some of the ongoing political issues here in America, and the absurdity of some of the baseless claims and misinformation peddled to the public. This tale will follow Tom Lopez, a radio host who’s looking to save his station by following a lead that will take him down an unexpected path in the small town of Brisbee Springs. Chapter two coming soon!
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